Dating with OCD: 7 ways OCD can affect your dating life

Dating can be challenging for anyone. But when you have obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), it can be particularly daunting. 

Whether it’s figuring out how much to share about your condition, or coping with the OCD symptoms that directly affect interpersonal dynamics, dating when you have OCD can present some very unique situations. The good news is that with the right tools and support, OCD doesn’t have to stand in the way of your dating life.

Read on to learn more about the challenges OCD can present when dating—and how to overcome them. 

What to know about OCD when you’re trying to date

OCD is a chronic condition, meaning that there is no “cure—if the illness doesn’t receive the right specialized treatment, the likelihood is that it will only get worse over time. To meet the diagnostic criteria for OCD, symptoms must be time-consuming and cause significant distress, and take up at least 1 hour per day. These symptoms include obsessions and compulsions. Obsessions are unwanted and intrusive thoughts, images, or urges that are out of your control and cause anxiety or distress. Compulsions are physical or mental actions done in an attempt to neutralize this discomfort or prevent a feared outcome. 

Sometimes, simply understanding that OCD is a mental condition to be taken seriously—not a personal choice or a moral failing—can help put you in a better mindset for dating. It’s not your fault, or something you need to apologize for. What’s more, it’s not all doom and gloom. “Plenty of people with OCD have navigated dating and are in happy, successful relationships,” says Stacy Quick, LPC. 

Common dating challenges when you have OCD 

Dating when you feel shame or guilt isn’t easy. “Many people with OCD that I’ve treated have lived years believing the lie that no one is like them and no one would ever understand what they are going through,” says Quick. “They think they’re damaged, or that they are fundamentally bad people. This couldn’t be further from the truth.” That’s just one of the common challenges that might be standing in the way of your dating life. Here are some others:

1. You’re prone to isolation. Many people with OCD suffer from embarrassment surrounding intrusive thoughts and compulsive behavior. Isolation manifests differently for everyone, but it may look like keeping yourself walled up when you do date, only meeting people in particular settings, or avoiding dating all together.
2. You don’t want to trigger your obsessions. Imagine trying to let yourself be in the moment of a first kiss, only to have Contamination OCD trigger your fear of germs. Or picture navigating a walking date through a city park when you have Pedophile OCD and being around children is terrifying. When dating environments trigger your obsessions, it may be more comfortable to avoid the date entirely.
3. You don’t want your compulsions on display. If an obsessive thought appears while on a date, you might not be able to resist performing a compulsion. For someone with Harm OCD, for instance, this might look like asking a waiter to remove the knives from the table because of a fear of being around sharp objects. While compulsions may temporarily provide relief from your obsession, they also make your OCD more visible than you want it to be, especially early on in dating.
4. Your dating anxiety is overwhelming. Most people have experienced some degree of anxiousness when it comes to dating. Whether it’s because of a negative past experience, general anxiety that attaches itself to intimate relationships, or a fear of being judged, dating anxiety is real. But for people with OCD, it can feel much more intense. 
5. You need constant reassurance. Reassurance is the need for validation or affirmation—that the person you’re dating has real feelings for you, that they see you in their life long term, that they’re attracted to you. While everyone has this need, for people with OCD—and particularly Relationship OCD (ROCD)—reassurance-seeking rarely provides the sought-after relief. This can make maintaining a new relationship difficult, because you never feel certain that it will stick.

6. Your libido has taken a hit. OCD can affect sexual functioning. Stress and anxiety related to OCD can activate your fight or flight response, which decreases libido. Also, some medications used to treat OCD can have sexual side effects, including symptoms that affect libido or performance. For people with obsessions centered on contamination or hygiene, relationships can be even more complicated when it comes to sexual intimacy.
7. You have trouble talking about your OCD. Some of your symptoms may be difficult to share with others, especially if they involve fears that you think are shameful or taboo. As a result, it can be difficult to figure out how to discuss OCD with someone you’re dating. 

How to have a healthy dating life with OCD: 9 essential tips

If you relate to any of the obstacles above, dating with OCD might feel overwhelming. That’s understandable. But the important thing to know is that many people with OCD learn how to have fun, manageable dating lives—and thriving partnerships. Here are some tips:

1. Take the “warm-up” approach. If you’re new to dating or coming back to it after a long time away, having phone dates or video chatting may help increase your comfort level before meeting up in person.
2. Make sure dating is on your own terms. If there are specific environments or behaviors that are not comfortable for you, say no. For example, maybe you’d rather go for a walk than have dinner at a restaurant. It’s all about knowing what works for you and making that clear to the people you meet.
3. Swipe mindfully. If you’re using the apps to meet people, read profiles carefully, and stay out of the habit of mindless swiping. Being selective about who you match with may lead to more ease building a rapport—so that the whole experience can feel more relaxed.
4. Know there’s no “perfect” time to communicate. Sometimes you meet someone you feel so comfortable with that it’s natural to open up about your OCD early on in dating. Other times, your comfort level increases as you approach a committed relationship. Check in with yourself about when it feels right to share. 
5. Practice vulnerability. When we’re with the right people, opening up can feel like a relief. For example, explaining why you might take longer to leave the house than someone else does—if your OCD has you double checking the locks multiple times—can take the pressure off from being exactly on time for a date. Also, if you’re getting specific OCD treatment, you may want to share that too, so they know you’re being proactive about your symptoms.
6. Ask for support. If there’s something a romantic partner can do to help you, ask them. For example, if you have ROCD, you might tell your partner if your therapist recommends not giving into your requests for reassurance, since this compulsion only perpetuates the OCD cycle. And if someone can’t show empathy for your needs, they might not be the right match.
7. Establish trust. While your partner isn’t your therapist, they can be someone you confide in with difficult things in life. If you share something private—related to OCD or otherwise—make sure they know you want to keep it between the two of you, and assure them that you’ll do the same with details they open up to you about.
8. Prioritize self-care. It may seem counterintuitive, but self-care is critically important when you’re trying to foster a healthy relationship with another person. This can look like taking time to meditate, exercise, ensure you’re getting to your treatment appointments, and generally being conscious of your own physical and mental health needs.
9. Get professional help. When your OCD symptoms aren’t being treated, it can be very difficult to show up for a date, much less a relationship. That’s where specialized OCD therapy comes in. Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy is the gold-standard treatment for OCD, and it’s unlike traditional talk therapy or general cognitive behavioral therapy (which can actually backfire and make your OCD worse). ERP works by gradually exposing you to your triggers, and teaching you response prevention strategies to cope with your distress—things that don’t involve compulsions.

Bottom line on dating with OCD

Dating can be challenging, and adding a chronic illness like OCD to the mix can make it feel overwhelming—but it’s not impossible. By prioritizing treatment and self-care, communicating effectively, and taking things at a pace that supports your mental health, you can successfully navigate the world of dating while managing your condition.