Remember when parenting seemed like it might involve teaching your child how to tie their shoes, helping them with their homework, and dealing with teenage drama? Then obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) entered the picture and suddenly, your whole world turned upside down.
I know the feeling. As a parent of two kids with OCD, a therapist specializing in OCD, and someone who’s lived with OCD for decades myself, I’ll be the first to admit that parenting a child with OCD is a whole different kind of parenting. Even as someone very familiar with OCD, when it came to my own kids, there were still a lot of moments when I worried if I was getting it “right.”
Over the years, I’ve learned that while there’s no perfect roadmap for parenting a child with OCD, there are definitely some clear dos and don’ts that can make the path easier to navigate.
The “dos” of parenting a child with OCD
1. Do support your child.
Think of yourself as your child’s personal champion. Get to know everything you can about OCD, and how it shows up in their life. You know them better than anyone, and they will depend on you for much-needed support as they maneuver through life with this condition. It’s a big job, but it’s one you’re more than qualified for—you’ve got this!
2. Do see your child and OCD as separate entities.
Remember that your child is not the sum of their symptoms. Kids with OCD can often end up feeling ashamed and alone in their experience, but when you separate your amazing kid from this challenging condition, you can help them feel less ashamed and more understood. This creates a safe space in your relationship where they can be themselves,
3. Do give the OCD a name.
Talk about OCD as its own separate entity from your child because, in a very real sense, it is. One way to do this is by giving OCD a name. Whether your child wants to call it “the Bully,” “the Monster,” or “Bob,” naming it helps put some distance between your child and their condition, reminding them they are not defined by OCD.
When kids express OCD-related fears, I’ve also found it helpful to say something like, “Is that you talking, or is that the OCD?” In other words, I try to ask if the thought or fear they were expressing felt like the voice of OCD. You can also phrase this question in a way that’s more specific to the obsessions your child experiences. For example, if they struggle with contamination-related fears, you might say, “It sounds like OCD is telling you not to touch that, or else you’ll get sick.”
4. Do remind your child that everyone has similar thoughts.
The average human being has far too many thoughts to count on any given day. Many of them pass by without us even noticing—but when someone has OCD, they tend to pay attention to these thoughts more than others, which causes them to get “stuck.” Children dealing with these “sticky” thoughts, which are often disturbing in nature, can end up feeling isolated and ashamed, believing they are the only ones with “strange,” “bizarre,” or “gross” thoughts.
They must realize this is not true. The more you normalize these thoughts, the less likely they are to struggle with the intense feelings of shame and guilt that so often accompany OCD.
5. Do teach them life-long skills for managing OCD.
Get connected to resources that can help both you and your child learn the tools needed to combat OCD. Seek out evidence-based treatment from a therapist who specializes in OCD. Proper care can help your child learn how their OCD works, what triggers it, and most importantly, how to stand up to it even when it feels scary. The skills that they build can be carried throughout their life, helping them navigate whatever challenges OCD throws their way.
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6. Do give yourself permission to be human.
Remember that you’re doing the best you can with a really challenging situation, and having days where you feel overwhelmed doesn’t make you any less of an amazing parent. You deserve the same kindness you’d show a friend in your position.
Try to make time for things that fill your cup, whether that’s exercise, therapy, time with friends, or just a quiet cup of coffee before everyone wakes up. Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish. A depleted parent can’t pour from an empty cup, so it’s necessary.
The “don’ts” of parenting a child with OCD
1. Don’t yell at or punish your child for their symptoms.
When you feel frustrated (and there will probably be moments when you do—you’re human, after all), remember to direct that anger at OCD, not your child. Your child is exhausted and worn down by a very debilitating condition, and they do not want to engage in compulsive behaviors. Becoming visibly upset will only strengthen their embarrassment and stress.
They need you as an ally. Our job as their parent is to help them to talk back to the OCD, to stand up to it. We want them to see us getting mad at the OCD—not at them.
2. Don’t expect too much all at once.
Getting effective treatment for OCD can be life-changing, but those changes can take some time to arrive, so patience is key. As your child goes through treatment, remember that they’re learning entirely new ways of thinking and responding to their brain’s false alarms. Give them time to practice these new skills, allow for lots of trial and error, and celebrate every small win along the way.
3. Don’t try to rescue your child or accommodate their symptoms.
It can feel so tempting to swoop in and make everything better for your child, but it’s critical that you don’t go along with OCD’s demands. As counterintuitive as it might feel, you need to teach your child that they’re capable of handling discomfort without reassurance or other compulsive behaviors.
Work with your family to set clear boundaries on how you will all respond to OCD. Everyone will need to be on the same page about not accommodating it, even if your child with OCD is not. Of course, the goal is to eventually help your child also not be controlled by OCD, but if that isn’t feasible at first, setting firm boundaries can be a step in the right direction.
4. Don’t argue or reason with intrusive thoughts or compulsions.
You can’t win an argument with OCD. It’s called “the doubting disorder,” and for good reason: It causes intense doubt about anything and everything. It doesn’t respond to logic, either—it will always come back with one more what-if.
Instead of getting caught up in its cycle, the goal is to help your child learn to acknowledge the thoughts without trying to solve them. They don’t need to figure everything out or accept the thoughts as true—they just need to learn that they can handle the uncertainty, and that they can choose how to respond to OCD. They no longer need to feel powerless.
5. Don’t give lots of attention to the OCD.
While it’s important to understand OCD and teach your child about it, you don’t want to give it undue attention. That doesn’t mean you need to ignore OCD all the time; it just means that you don’t always need to acknowledge it.
Help your child learn that they can have OCD-related thoughts, feel anxious or uncomfortable, and still go about their day. These feelings will pass on their own, even if it doesn’t feel like it in the moment. This concept can be a difficult one to teach, but it often ends up being a game-changer when it comes to dealing with OCD.
6. Don’t try to handle OCD all on your own.
These suggestions are meant to be part of a much more robust treatment plan. The hope is that you’ll be working with a therapist specializing in OCD and exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy, the most effective treatment for OCD. A specialty-trained therapist will be able to really understand this condition and help you develop a solid game plan for supporting your child, breaking seemingly overwhelming challenges down into manageable steps.
NOCD Therapists are specialty-trained in ERP therapy and can meet your child where they are, both literally (through convenient virtual therapy sessions) and figuratively (by creating a treatment plan personalized to their age and unique needs). Book a free 15-minute call with our team to learn more about getting your child matched with a NOCD Therapist and getting started with treatment that can help them reclaim their life.