Even though partnerships aren’t all about sex, it can be difficult to navigate a lack of sexual attraction in a romantic relationship. You may worry there’s something wrong with your relationship—or even who you are as a person.
While it can be perfectly natural for libido to ebb and flow, or for your attraction to someone to change, sometimes these feelings are indicative of a deeper issue worth addressing. Stress, societal expectations, and mental health conditions such as depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) can all cause shifts in sexual desire. Exploring these potential causes can be helpful for better understanding what you—and your relationships—need to function well.
Potential causes
There are a lot of reasons why sexual desire can change. Sometimes the passage of time simply shifts the way we relate to one another. If you’re wondering why you don’t feel sexually attracted to your partner or partners, know that you’re not alone. Read on to understand some of the common reasons why attraction can falter.
Compatibility issues or conflict
Your emotional connection to a partner can impact how you feel about them sexually. For example, if your relationship lacks emotional intimacy, you may not feel safe engaging sexually. Conflict and compatibility issues, like mismatched libidos or communication issues, can also impact sexual desire.
Changing sexuality
Sexuality can shift at any age, and compulsory heterosexuality—the idea that society expects heterosexuality from everyone—can make it hard for some people to identify their true sexuality. You may realize midway through a relationship that you’re attracted to a different gender, or that you’re not sexually attracted to anyone at all—an orientation known as asexuality.
Medications and physical health conditions
Hormonal changes, chronic illnesses, and the substances you ingest can all impact your libido. For example, it’s common to experience a change in sex drive during menopause, when estrogen levels change significantly. Chronic pain and other physical discomfort can make it hard to feel sexual. Alcohol and some medications can also impact sex drive. Finally, if sex is painful, you may find yourself avoiding the act.
Mental health conditions
A change in sex drive can be triggered by mental health concerns, such as depression, anxiety, stress, low self-esteem, fear of intimacy, trauma, and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Both depression and anxiety can trigger significant changes in libido, and stress causes the release of hormones (like cortisol and epinephrine) that can decrease your sex drive. If you’re experiencing low self-esteem, concerns about the way you look or are valued by others, you may struggle to connect to your sexuality. Fear of intimacy—which can be impacted by low self-esteem, an avoidant attachment style or cultural stigmas surrounding sex—can also make it difficult to feel sexual attraction.
Prior traumatic experiences may influence these feelings too. “If there is sexual trauma then someone might be less inclined to be sexually attracted,” says Carolyn Meiman, MSSW, LCSW, a licensed therapist at NOCD.
Finally, it’s important to consider that obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) might be a factor, especially if intrusive thoughts or compulsions are distracting you from connecting to your sexual desire.
Understanding OCD and sexual attraction
OCD is a complex mental health condition, characterized by recurrent intrusive thoughts, images, feelings, or urges, and/or sensations, which trigger compulsions meant to ease distress. These obsessions and compulsions typically take up a significant amount of time, and can center on relationships and sexuality, depending on the subtype of OCD you may be dealing with. If you can’t stop thinking about why you aren’t turned on by your partner, it’s worth learning more about OCD and its subtypes.
Relationship OCD
With relationship OCD (ROCD), a subtype of OCD characterized by obsessions and compulsions centered on close personal relationships, your OCD may trigger intrusive thoughts, such as:
- Am I turned on enough by my partner?
- Am I as attracted to them as I think?
- What if my attraction never comes back?
- What if I fall out of love?
- Do I love them enough?
- Are they the one?
“The challenge with Relationship OCD is that these are legitimate relationship questions outside of the context of OCD,” says April Kilduff, LMHC, LCPC, LPCC, LPC. What distinguishes OCD concerns from worthwhile relationship queries is the presence of obsessions and compulsions. When these thoughts pop up with OCD, you find yourself unable to let them go—instead relying on time-consuming compulsions to get you through any uncertainty that arises.
Some people with ROCD may find themselves checking mid-sex to see if they’re turned on, which can make it difficult to stay in the moment and experience real arousal. Other common compulsions include frequently reviewing photographs to make sure you’re still attracted to a partner, or watching porn to compare how you feel with the way your partner makes you feel.
Even if you understand that it’s common to experience “dry spells” or periods with less intimacy, OCD can make it difficult to accept this reality. “OCD [says] ‘Something is wrong and maybe I’m not with the right person,’” says Kilduff.
Sexual Orientation OCD
While it’s very possible to experience shifts in your sexuality at any point in life, OCD can also trigger false doubts about your sexual orientation. Sexual orientation OCD (SO-OCD) is a subtype that is characterized by intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviors focused on your sexuality. For example, if you have always thought you were heterosexual, you might worry that you’re not turned on by a partner because you’re actually gay or asexual. What sets these obsessions apart from more natural self-introspection is a relentless need to figure out your “true” identity, and the inability to tolerate any uncertainty about your preferences.
Sexual orientation OCD may lead you to compulsively check to see if you’re turned on by people of other genders—or anyone at all. Unfortunately, these compulsions don’t lead to a lasting sense of confirmation, instead fueling your obsessive doubts.
Perfectionism OCD
This subtype can latch onto the idea that relationships should be “perfect” all the time. You may believe that you have to feel turned on by your partner at all times, or that your sexual encounters must fit a standard of perfection every single time. If you don’t meet these standards, OCD may convince you that there is something wrong with your relationship(s).
In response to these feelings of distress, people with perfectionism OCD often seek reassurance. You might spend a lot of time taking online relationship quizzes or asking Reddit users if they’re always turned on by their partner. Perfect assurance is impossible to achieve, so this compulsion tends to feed fears, rather than quell them.
How to manage these feelings
There are a variety of different ways to address a lack of sexual desire—depending on what you think is causing the issue, and how problematic it is for you. Read on to learn more about steps you can take.
For OCD, try ERP therapy
If you think you may be navigating OCD, seek help from a therapist who specializes in exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy—the gold standard for OCD treatment. ERP is a personalized, evidence-based form of therapy, where a therapist gently and gradually exposes you to triggers that cause worry or distress. Over time, you’ll learn to face your fears, while resisting the urge to engage in compulsions.
Kilduff gives an example of an ERP exercise for someone navigating concerns about sexual attraction. Your therapist might have you imagine a worst-case scenario, where you’re not turned on by your partner and you break up. Sitting with this uncertainty, in the safer environment of a therapy session, can help you regain power over your fear.
Consider whether your relationship is working
If you suspect that underlying relationship issues are causing a lack of sexual attraction, it may be wise to seek help from a therapist with expertise in relationships—either on your own or with your partner. Talking to trusted loved ones can also help you sort through your feelings. It can be helpful to dig deeper into your relationship dynamic and what you want out of a partnership.
That being said, if you are simply finding yourself wondering about why you aren’t turned on by your partner, know that this thought alone is usually not enough to trigger a break up. You need more information.
You should also keep in mind that while sexual attraction is central to relationship satisfaction for many people, not all romantic relationships are sexual. If sex is something you care about, remember that it’s not important how sexually active you are; what matters is whether you feel good.
Rule out physical health concerns
If you’re experiencing sustained changes in your sexual desire, it can be important to check in with a physician. Speak to a provider about whether vitamin deficiencies or hormone imbalances are impacting your libido. Note that some physical symptoms can be connected to mental health conditions, so it can be helpful to work with a therapist too.
Embrace your shifting libido
Keep in mind that it’s natural for your sex drive to ebb and flow—and there’s nothing wrong with this.
You’re not supposed to be turned on by your partner 100% of the time. That is not realistic,”
April Kilduff
“Experiencing this [may not] mean anything about your relationship—just that you’re both human,” they add. Having realistic expectations that libido will fluctuate throughout a relationship can help you manage feelings of shame—and may actually help you access your sexual desire, in the long run.
Key takeaways
- There are many reasons why you may no longer feel attracted to your partner, including factors tied to your physical and mental health.
- Understanding the cause of your shifting sexual desire can be helpful for addressing it.
- OCD can cause intrusive thoughts about your relationship and sexuality.
- ERP therapy is an evidence-based method that can help you regain power over your fears, and find more ease in your relationships.
- It’s natural for libido to change over time; embracing this can help you release shame and reconnect with your desire.
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