Imagine a person in a romantic relationship. They’ve got an anniversary coming up in a few days, but this year, they aren’t excited about it. This upsets them, and they start asking themselves questions: “Why do I feel indifferent towards a day that once brought me joy? Is my partner really ‘the one’? Could it be that my feelings towards my partner are changing, or am I simply overthinking things?”
Thinking you’re falling out of love can be scary. If you’re wondering if it could happen to you, you’re not alone. Ebbs and flows in relationships are natural, and as humans, we are bound to question things. Falling out of love can be an extremely emotional and draining experience that is sometimes mistaken for relationship anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), or other mental health issues.
How can I tell if I’m falling out of love?
There’s a lot of anxiety around the concept of falling out of love. Is it a passing feeling, is it an emotional shift, or are you just generally feeling down? Since so many different factors can affect our mood and feelings, and since the definition of love can be different for everyone, it’s easy to mix things up.
The most important thing to focus on is what love should be. Love should be fulfilling, sustain you, and support you through your life. If you feel your relationship is draining you, creating an unhealthy environment, or affecting your general well-being negatively, it’s probably a sign that something is wrong. However, it can also mean you are struggling with your mental health. We spoke with Tracie Zinman-Ibrahim, LMFT, CST, and Chief Compliance Officer at NOCD, to help us distinguish if you are actually falling out of love or if something else might be going on.
Zinman-Ibrahim believes that one of the key signs you might be losing love for your partner is the constant need to question or analyze your feelings, trying to validate them. “If you’re falling out of love, you don’t have to check, you don’t have to ask, you’re not wondering what’s going on. You just don’t have the feelings you used to have. Maybe that person’s starting to feel more like a friend or roommate,” she shares. This can be a difficult concept to grasp, because accepting that you are falling out of love can feel devastating, and people often want to make up excuses instead of facing the issue head on.
Zinman-Ibrahim points out that certain feelings can signal that you’re emotionally checked out of a relationship. For example, when you realize you’re just going through the motions—maybe staying out of obligation or because you feel bad for your partner—but deep down, you’re not really invested anymore. This kind of detachment can be an indication that it’s time to consider whether the relationship is worth continuing.
Are these normal doubts?
Experiencing relationship doubts is normal, especially in the beginning phases or as you get further along in the relationship. These doubts can be even more normalized if you experience issues like depression, anxiety, and OCD. It is important to not punish yourself for these thoughts. Whether they mean you are actually falling out of love or not, working through them can make you feel stronger.
If you find yourself having doubts about your love and don’t have OCD, Zinman-Ibrahim recommends asking yourself the following questions:
- Is this something you see yourself doing long-term?
- Does this relationship seem like it’s meeting your needs the way you want?
- Have you been sacrificing your needs for a long time?
These questions help you determine how the relationship as a whole is affecting you, and depending on your answers, can be indicative about how you actually view your situation deep down. If you answer no, no, and yes, you could be falling out of love.
“If it’s not going as well as you hoped it could be, that’s a good time to go to counseling,” shares Zinman-Ibrahim. If you truly feel like you’re over your partner, she does not usually suggest therapy and recommends trusting your feelings instead of trying to live with the unhappiness.
Signs your feelings are changing
One of the biggest indicators of falling out of love is the way you view your partner. Zinman-Ibrahim explains that you might still have love for them, but it feels more like the love you feel for a family member or roommate, not necessarily romantic.
If you feel yourself wondering about if your feelings are changing, try to think “What are your most important needs, and have those been met in your relationship?” If not, Zinman Ibrahim says “that’s probably a good way to determine that maybe it has more to do with your relationship than something else.”
Mental health and falling out of love
One important thing to remember is that sometimes we confuse falling out of love with the thoughts and fears caused by mental health conditions.
Anxiety
Having relationship anxiety does not mean you have an anxiety disorder. Worrying about your relationship from time to time is normal. However, there are types of anxiety disorders that can cause you to worry about your relationship, such as generalized anxiety disorder.
“Having anxiety isn’t going to make you fall out of love. Having anxiety might make things more difficult on your relationship, on your partner, or yourself, and might add stressors to your relationship, but it’s going to be very different than feeling like you no longer are in love with the person,” says Zinman-Ibrahim.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
OCD is a mental health condition where people are plagued by intrusive thoughts, urges, feelings, sensations, or images. These obsessions cause significant distress, prompting compulsive actions—whether physical or mental—in an effort to find relief. Although these compulsions might provide brief relief, they ultimately trap individuals in a worsening cycle of anxiety and repetitive behaviors.
Relationship OCD
There is a specific subtype of OCD called Relationship OCD (ROCD). According to Zinman-Ibrahim, ROCD “is pretty much questioning anything or everything or any piece of your relationship.”
Common questions people with ROCD ask themselves are: “Could this be the right person for me? Are we in love? Is this going to last forever? Did I make the right choice? Do I miss the person when they’re gone? Do I feel a spark? Am I afraid of commitment?” People with ROCD typically seek reassurance for these questions from their partners, friends, families, and even total strangers on the internet.
The difference between having ROCD and falling out of love is the constant checking and asking of questions. As Zinman-Ibrahim points out, when you’re falling out of love, you don’t feel the need to question it. With ROCD, you will constantly find the need to seek reassurance and ask yourself questions.
When to seek help
If you feel like you are falling out of love and want help navigating it, talking to a therapist is a great resource. A therapist can help you figure out what exactly you’re feeling, as well as how to make a decision on what you want to do moving forward.
If you think you have a mental illness that might be affecting your thoughts and making you wonder if you’re falling out of love, it’s important to get a diagnosis from a licensed healthcare provider. Once you have a better grasp on your mental health, you can better understand if you are actually falling out of love with your partner.
Treatment
Exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy is the gold standard treatment for OCD. ERP involves gradually exposing you to your triggers, and teaching response prevention strategies to cope with your distress, which eventually helps you to resist compulsions.
For ROCD specifically, Zinman-Ibrahim explains ERP focuses on “… learning to not ask the questions that are unanswerable and sitting with the uncertainty of the reality that you will not know those answers.” This means gradually facing your triggers instead of avoiding them, which, overtime, allows you to stop seeking answers about the worries they may bring up.
One example is finding love songs triggering, even though you used to love them. “We might have you listen to those love songs because you love those songs and you’ve been avoiding them because they trigger you,” says Zinman-Ibrahim. “We don’t want you to avoid things you love just because they’re triggering.”
ERP is also the best form of treatment for anxiety disorders. Your therapist will work with you to address your anxieties and learn how to cope with them in a healthy manner.
Finding clarity
Whether you’re dealing with anxiety, OCD, or just feeling unsure about your connection to your partner, it’s important to take the time to reflect on your relationship. Reaching out to a therapist can be very helpful in sorting through these emotions, assisting you in clarifying whether it’s your relationship or your mental health that’s affecting how you feel, and what next steps are right for you to take.